August 2019

8/9/19

I am in Portland.  Sandra has offered me to stay with her for now.  I am amazed and gratified.  Yet I also feel it is an uneven exchange at times.  I could offer to cover half the rent for the time I am here.  She is very neat and organized and lives in a small space with a loft.  The studio is comfortable.  The studio space is next to a house.  There is a back yard with berries and vines.  It smells funny back there as if an animal died but lately not so bad.  Sandra has a cat named Elinor or Nor for short.  She is very sweet and will climb on me and cuddle but she also often asks to be let outside or for food.  She will climb up on the counter and check out what’s up there and go in the window.

I have been doing a few hours of studying every day but have felt somewhat unfocused on the law program.  This morning I went over the detailed outline that professor Andrew Sherman provided and edited it down.  The contracts class is complicated because there are many exceptions to each item in a contract.  Also, I am still trying to get clear where some of the items from the contracts outline such as location of the mirror image rule or parole evidence.

Today I got up a bit early and did some studying and now this free write.  I think that if I develop a routine that mostly includes getting up early and doing some writing and or yoga or other exercise I will be more productive, more grounded and happier.  I sent Tom the acceptance to his offer yesterday.  The offer was to buy the tiny house, in Iowa for $10,000 with a $400 down payment and a $200 per month for four years.  There is no interest included.  This also means I will have lost about $7000 on this deal with the money I put in to the tiny house as well as monthly rent payments.  However, the challenge of managing things from afar and the continued monthly rent fees have compelled me to act to discontinue this arrangement even though I am taking a substantial loss. I must consolidate despite the costs.

The psychological benefits I think will be significant.  This will include not worrying about integrating in the always shifting SoFair community, now that Angelo won’t be involved.  This will include not having to come up with $250 of rent each month even though I am actually present there only maybe one month per year.  This will take a mental and financial strain off me.  I will be better for it.

Much has happened this year.  I went to the memorial of my sister, Hana.  She died of mental illness, from loneliness, from being in a remote community ill equipped to deal with people who are isolated and not well integrated in a community.  Wow! Where do we go from here.  We live on and we learn from it.  Then I am back to Portland.  I am attempting to start fresh here.  It is going well but still is not easy.  I looked at a job possibility with the Peoples Coop grocery yesterday.  I think I would like to work there.  I think I will apply for the fill in checker.  Secondly, I think I will attempt to get my arborist insurance again and offer services as a climber on a contract basis.

Then I may be able to make some decent money occasionally.

I am considering quitting the law program.  I often think of it but lets get through these two finals for now.  The cost and time sacrifices are significant.  Yet if I were done with the program right now and was preparing for the bar I think I would be pretty happy.

I am greatly saddened by learning that Dottie Chambers died recently.  In some ways I am not totally surprised.  But I am shocked, yes.  Thomas said she had twenty years when her parents took care of her and 20 years when Kelton took care of her.  She bore three children.  The children are two boys and a girl.  They are Hunter, McKenzie and a third.  I don’t recall the third’s name or face. 

Those poor children will now have to grow up without their mother.  Dottie was a bit dottie.  She seemed like a blond bimbo in one sense.  A kinda, “Hey guys, hows it goin?” with the valley girl head bobbin from side to side. The cool but ditzy friend. Always up for fun and open to what ever came your way. And a person of love and kindness.  I remember her as always having had a bottle of Sierra Nevada in her hand.  She was a drinker but I don’t recall seeing her slurring her words or falling down. And as I said, a lover. A flirt but with a heart of gold. She was one of the people in the valley that consoled me when Hana died. I remember meeting her and a gal named Tracy with dark black hair and lipstick at the beach and making a camp fire.

Dottie told me she was sure Hana had gone off on a walkabout. Hana was a strong independent person and was probably doing a spirit walk. This turned out not to be the case but I loved Dotties hopeful spirit about this. Dottie would come up to me and say, “how ya doin honey?” and she meant it. Sometimes, “Would ya like a beer?” on a hot summer day by the community center.

Once, not long before she passed, she invited me to go hike/work on the mill creek trail. Tony and Dick Sheinman were building trail and bridges. She had gone recently and had a great time. They had hiked into the Mill Creek forest carrying tools on their backs. These would be picks and rock bars, hammers and possibly rebar. Maybe some lumber.

They had hiked stuff in and they had built something. Dottie was doing this too and she felt strength and pride from it. “We are going again next Wednessday. Do you want to come?” she asked. But I went back to Oregon on Monday. I never saw Dottie again.

There were some path existing and being developed totally without BLM involvement. This forest was saved by the valient efforts of locals such as Rex Rathbun and David Simpson and now locals Dick Sheinman and Tony Anderson were developing trails from the lower end of Mill Creek accross the creek with a spectacular wooden span bridge, switch backing up the north eastern face to the East end of Prosper Ridge. Then one could hike or bike down Prosper Ridge and come down the Ocean road along BLM land and end up at the estuary, mouth of the Mattole, mattole beach and campground.

People said she was hanging out with Dick Sheinman who was close to 30 years her senior.  It was very low key but some people thought it scandilous. But what ever. I didn’t care.

She wanted to find a man who would take care of her and she could love and take care of.  I think she died like my sister did from lack of love, from lack of purpose, from despair and from some accident.  It is all so sad.

Now I am attempting to escape the same fates.  I had been living in Petrolia sometimes feeling a lack of purpose.  I am attempting to escape a vortex of malaise, ease, and sadness.  I could self medicate and days, weeks and months would go by and my circumstances wouldn’t change much but the world would go on and I would still be there. 

About 4 months after Hana died I shook myself awake and decided to change my life.  I will not sink quietly into oblivion and die or be forgotten.  I will be bold.  I will go after what it is I think I may want.  I will make moves.  I will make mistakes.  I will have times where I feel sadness, ungroundedness and grave questions.  But I will not go back.  I am going to change myself and I will change and affect those I come into contact with.

Thank you Hana.  Thank you Dottie.  I love and honor the memory of both your spirits.  Let them inspire me to be a better person.  Let me be a person of love.  Let me be a person who practices truth to myself and to others.  Let me strive to impeccability of word.

All for now.

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